.

“Guide to loving your body: 

1. Get naked and take a good long look at your body. Trace your stretch marks, feel your hip bones poking out, place your hand over your tummy and take a fistful of yourself in. Appreciate your scars and pimples, your uneven,large,or nonexistent breasts. Take pride in your un/shaven, un/cut, fantastically odd private bits. Hold up a mirror to yourself and study your body. Love it.

2. Be Ugly, reclaim words that are used to put you down and shut you up and scream right back at these fascist beauty standard reinforcing scumbags. Give them the finger and tell them to kiss your fat/skinny/somewhere in between ass ‘cause you ain’t got time to waste with their body hating bullshit. and remember, you don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Validate yourself by accepting yourself.

3. Wear clothes that don’t fit, that are too big or too small and show all your “problem areas” that cosmo insists you hide and walk down the street like the fucking fabulous queen you are. Sashay the hate away.

4. Do what YOU want with YOUR body. Shave or don’t, wear makeup or don’t, whatever choice you make is yours to make, and anyone who shames you for your decision can keep it moving. This also means respecting the choices of others, even if they differ from your own.

5. Surround yourself with loving and supportive people. Rid of the toxic bullshit in your life if possible, and immerse yourself in a community that embraces body positivity and diversity. 

”

july 2

Today I went to the garden and relaxed a little bit, because I was forty-five minutes early and no one was there yet.  I wasn't feeling too good, because I had bonked on the ride over.  Grace showed up around 11:15 and I wasn't sure if I was ready to be alone with her.  It was nice talking with her for that first half an hour or so, but when we had nothing else to say it was hard for me to deal with the fact that I had initiated all of our conversations and that she hadn't once asked me a question.  But we talked about traveling and Northland and how much we wished that things weren't changing so quickly.  Audrey eventually got there and then it was mostly just Grace and her talking.

I'm just happy to be getting out of town tomorrow, I need to relax in a quiet place where there are no cars and no anksty teenagers who don't know how to socialize properly or politely.

I've decided to fuck it all.  I talked with my best friend Naomi, and I told her about everything.  All the bullshit I've put up with over the years and how I'm trying to fix it all.  She told me to fuck it.  Fuck it all.  I have friends who actually care about me and love me, why should I try so hard to be friends with people who clearly don't care about me.  I don't want to tell them anything they don't need to know.  If they want to get to know me, it's their turn, not mine.

I just don't know what to do anymore.  I try to be nice to people but I always come off as rude or depressing.  I have no idea how that happens, but I try so fucking hard and people just run away from me.  They think I'm boring and un-exciting.  I'm just glad it's the summer so I can relax and take a break from being someone else all the time.  I wished Grace a happy birthday today, and I told her that I wanted to get to know her better this next year, seeing that we'll probably being going to Northland together.  But she didn't say anything back.  She always comes off as a person who thinks she's better than everyone else, like she doesn't need to respond to my texts or doesn't need to call me to let me know she can't make it to the garden because it's raining!  That's frustrating!  On the last day of 11th grade I tried so hard to try to be pleasing to her and Olivia, Sadaf, and Audrey, but she kept standing in front of me in the circle while we were talking.  I would try to move so that I would be in view of Olivia, but then Grace would just move in my way again.  I don't know if she was just completely oblivious or if she was being rude, but something's going on with this girl and I need it to stop.  I need to tell her how I feel, regardless of whether or not I scare her off with my over-flow of emotion.  This has really been bothering me, for quite some time, and she needs to know about it.  Whether or not she cares or if she wants to know.  And Olivia, forget her!  She doesn't give a shit about me.  Even if she did, she wouldn't be brave enough to stand up for me.  She has no courage, and that's fatal.

"We must forgive, but never forget."

Symptoms of inner peace:

• A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences
• An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment
• A loss of interest in judging other people
• A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of other
• A loss of interest in conflict
• A loss of the ability to worry
• Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation
• Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature
• An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen